Thoughts on being in your 30's

WRITERS BLOCK So it's been a while since I've blogged anything. I blame my overactive mind and imagination that has so many things running at one time that it all gets too much in the moment I feel the need to sit in front of my computer and write a few coherent sentences it all disappear.  Now all I feel is frustration and the need to throw something across the room. To take my writers block out on something else than myself at this moment. Most of the time I have these amazing ideas of what to write about, you know stuff that really matters but for the last few weeks there has been a vast space of nothingness in my mind when I open my blog to write. The irony is when I get into bed at night I have all these things that keeps me awake and I'm sure there's a lot of people with great ideas at night but you see the moment I start to work on them in my mind I fall asleep. So the next morning when I wake up the nothingness of my creativity has expanded...

THE WRONG LOVE We've all been in love, That wonderful feeling of butterflies in the stomach, smiling for no reason, heart beating faster at just the thought of them. It's a wonderful, awful experience. You fall in love, think about it, fall. Falling for someone with no idea if you're going to land safely in the arms of the one you're falling for. All you want is to be near them, be a part of them, make them smile for the rest of their and your lives. No one can tell me that that isn't the best feeling in the world and also the scariest. I've had my heart broken a few times over the 35 years. I remember the first time I fell in love. I was maybe seven years old. We went on a school camp and my teachers husband came along as one of the drivers I think but oh man did I not follow him around like a third wheel. That's the innocent kind of love that makes you wish it was always that easy. After a day at home I completely forgot about the tall, dark m

BODY SHAMING As I've mentioned before I'm trying to live a more healthy life. Eating better and exercising to get the unhealthy weight off. Well it worked so far. I have lost some weight and I feel so much better about myself. (some days) One thing I do not understand is why we as woman (I think men does this too they just never will admit to it) will always have something that is "wrong" about our bodies.  A close friend and I have been going through the same struggle for years. We tried weight loss method after another and nothing really seemed to work. She started this eating better and exercising and she lost an impressive amount of weight. I am so proud of her! She really looks amazing and still the both of us have those days where nothing about our bodies seems to be right. My thighs are too BIG, my feet is too small, my nose it too pointy and my butt is too flat. Does that sound familiar? Yeah, we all do it. We have some part that we really dislike

I GOT THIS There comes a time, maybe a few times, when you feel you just can't do it. You're not up for the challenge, you haven't got what it takes, you can't "man up" or wear your big girl panties and do it. It's not uncommon to feel less than qualified to do something, anything that you set your mind to or that which was given to you to do. We all have that "oh crap" moment when people expect something from you and you do not feel up to the task. Sometimes it just makes more sense not to work toward something or tell someone you can do it than failing and falling on your face. Well, that's not true. Isn't it better to have tried and fail than to not try and never knowing what you are capable of doing. I've had that situation where I thought I am not good enough to do this, I am not qualified and I can't. And you know what, that which I have made myself to believe was what happened. I didn't try anymore, I ju

SINGLE IN 2017 So I am thirty five years old and I am single. Why is that so hard to admit, why in this day and age all that everyone expects of us is to be in a relationship. Because being alone means you're lonely? Being single means no one wants you? You're single because your baggage is too much to handle? You know what I think of that, bullshit... To all of it. Just because you're single doesn't mean you're lonely, I know many people who love their own company (present company included). Just because you're single doesn't mean no one wants you or you're too much too handle, it just means that you haven't met that one person who sees all of you and wants it all. Okay so I have a few people in my life who thinks I'm just full of nonsense when it comes to men. They say I have too many expectations and I should just take the one that comes along who shows interest. With that in mind I could have been married, maybe even more than on

BITCHY MUCH... Every woman knows the feeling. You know that moment when you either want to slap someone or tell them what you really feel and what you really think. Hey, it's not my fault there's people in this world that has the capability to irritate me just by walking into the room. Some people say it's PMS that drives the bitchiness to the front but I say don't blame the hormones, blame the people that knows how to get on my last nerve... So yesterday started off fine, I came to work, I had everything ready to make the day a very good one. You see I love my job, and I do it good. Then stupid people happened...I know, I know it's not polite to say someone's stupid but come on you know what I'm talking about right.  Within fifteen minutes after they arrived my whole day was ruined and I just might have let the bitchiness run amok and ruin someone else's day. I had to apologize... I still feel pretty bad over how I reacted in the moment

BEING TRUE TO YOURSELF For a very long time I had this idea that I need to change myself to fit into society, to be like the next person, to be able to fit in and be accepted. And for a long time that was exactly what I did and I was the most unhappy person. I couldn't understand why when i was excepted by everyone and I was fitting in why I was that unhappy. Still for years I just lived the life that I was told to, I did what everyone else did with no thought of what I want for myself. Until one day when I didn't recognized myself, I've become this whole other person and I didn't like the person that I have become. Then and there I decided to strip away all of this other person that was suffocating who I really am. It wasn't easy, it didn't happen right away because it's difficult just throwing away a certain way of thinking and doing things. It took time and hard work, looking inside and finding the real you. We've become so used to people

"Dealing with the male race" Today is one of those days that I wish I stayed in bed. Well to be honest that actually started yesterday. Let me be very honest with you, I LOVE MY JOB, but what I don't love is the male ego. I am by no means a feminist but these two days made me want to smack a man on the side of the head. I've heard the saying, 'Common sense isn't a flower that grows in everyone's garden" but really why did we get a brain if not for using it even in a small capacity. The work I do is a male and female dominant job but I work in a sector that is 95% male dominated. For some reason that means I, as a woman, can not give any advice or make any contribution to how something here should work. Well, BULLSHIT. I believe anyone can make a contribution to make something better, or at least be given an opportunity to try. So yesterday I raised my opinion and I didn't take no for an answer, do you know I good that felt. I

THE UGLY "D" WORD So for the past few months (8 months to be exact) I have been trying to live more healthy. I have chosen not to use the word diet because the moment my brain hears diet it starts to immediately crave every carb and sugar known to human kind. The first three months was difficult and you couldn't get me to exercise even if you paid me. I would eat right but not lift a finger or move a muscle. Then one Sunday night I got inspired and decided I would go for a walk. Let me tell you this much all the wonderful fit people out there who tells you exercising is awesome and amazing once you start is complete and utter assholes. (sorry not sorry) My first two weeks of exercise was torture. Every day I exercised I wanted to die. No I am not joking it was torture and I hated every moment of it but I decided I wanted to be healthier so I pressed on. Believe me it's still a daily struggle to live healthy and eat healthy. There are days that I refuse

DEPRESSION This is maybe one of the most difficult topics for me to talk about, because no one likes to talk about the worst time of their life. I believe there is a cliche regarding this disease and yes I do think it is a disease.  For the longest time I told myself I was just sad. That I will get better and that everything will just work itself out. I just needed time to get over this sad time in my life and that I will get through it. I didn't allow myself to cry, I would tell myself to be strong for everyone else and so I didn't grieve. That only made it worse. Months later all I could think about was ending it all. Being around people was terrifying and horrible. All I felt was this darkness in my soul, surrounding me day and night and it felt like I was going to infect others with this darkness that consumed me. And still I didn't ask for help. I didn't allow myself to cry because I thought I would fall apart not realizing that I was already fallin

Who will save you? I believe nobody is going to save you, we are who we choose to be and if we need saving we need to save ourselves. Nobody in this world is just going to give you what you need. You are going to have to go out there and fight for or work hard for that what you want.  In the end nobody knows what you want except you. You know what you want and need and you have to go and get it. If you sit back and wait for whoever to come along and give you your dreams, you will be sorry.  You will be sorry that all the chances you had to make that dream a reality you wasted on hoping for your "prince charming" or "miracle worker" to save you or hand you that job or give you the money or car. Sitting back and waiting or feeling sorry for yourself for not having things fall in your lap makes you weak. It makes you complacent.  No one owes you anything but you owe it to yourself to get up and fight for what you want. Stand up and shake off that f

So I'm turning thirty five this year and I realized a few things this last few months.  One thing about being in your thirties is your tolerance for bullshit goes waaayyyy down. I find it better to just give people the look, you know the look that says I'm listening, but no way you're hearing anything that comes out of their mouth. Or you nod, smile and turn around and roll our eyes.  Sometimes I think I might just roll my eyes and vanish into another dimension. Some days I think being in your thirties means it's all downhill from now. Okay so I do go home after work and would much better put on my pajamas and sit on the couch watching some TV show that long ago lost it's appeal, eat something unhealthy than doing anything constructive. But that doesn't necessarily mean you're youth is over and your fun gene has died a slow and painful death... I recently found that you can still have a lot of fun. No, I won't go into any details but